I’m not working from home like the two other nutjobs I’m trying to lose weight with, so I’m stuck with eating out, usually at chain restaurants. While in the car on the way to lunch, my DW (darling wife) found some “good choices” that could be had at Red Robin. Though I wanted the 607 calorie Crispy Arctic Char Burger, they were out of fish, so I went with my #2 Blackened Chicken Burger for 676 calories. Verdict? Damn tasty. With a side of cantaloupe (2 medium wedges, 120 calories) and unsweetened iced tea (0 calories), I feel pretty satisfied.

I’ll probably get a coffee around, well, now, and maybe a piece of fruit as a snack, and Jen has a healthy dinner planned. It’s not impossible to eat well at restaurants, but it did take some research before arriving. One bonus for Red Robin — each item on their menu told you exactly how many calories in each burger and side — kudos to Red Robin! They aren’t embarrassed to let you know that their burgers are 1000-1200 calories, and it really was useful for me.

No calorie sweetener. Right. Well, to be fair, the sweetener has no usable calories, but the added stabalizers and “bulk” come laden with gut-extending ass-widening carbs of rage.

If my understanding is correct, and I fully admit this is all based on some quick web-of-lies unreferenced research, the rule is: if a “serving” of a given substance has fewer than five calories, it can claim to have none. As in, the nutrition information on the packaging can read “Calories per serving: 0″.

So, one serving of splenda has zero official calories, but four actual calories. This may seem negligible until you start using it for something more ambitious than sprucing up your afternoon earl grey. A serving size is one teaspoon. Let’s assume now that one wanted to make something that required, say, one cup of the sweetly snowy sneak (I have my reasons!) 48 teaspoons in a cup, 4 calories per teaspoon. What we have here is a quick 200 calories worth of angry gradeschool math teachers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am aware that there is no such thing as a (calorie) free lunch. I recognize that, in advertising, rules are made to be gamed. But for fucks’s sake. Did it have to be calories? Why can’t we just have a bit more anal leakage and move on with our diets?

Fuddruckers. I like it. But I’m fat and I’m trying to lose weight, so I spent an extra $3 on an Elk burger today. I usually get a 1/3 lb beef burger, but they advertised Elk as a “lean and savory” way to get less fat and calories.

Needing to update my Lose It chart, I went in search for such information. The Internet has let me down, sort of. One site said 147 calories for a 1/2 lb of Elk. What? No. Not right. Can’t be. Another site said 248 calories to a pound.  ElkUSA had the most detail, offering 260 calories for a 1/2 pound.  Let’s go with that.

According to ElkUSA Elk has about the same saturated fat, half the mono-unsaturated fat, and three times the polyunsaturated fat and 1/6th the total fat compared to beef.  Impressive!  The site is kind of inconsistent though, stating 137 calories per 100g (3.53oz) of Elk, or 310 calories for 8oz.  That’s a 50 calorie 20% difference from the quote higher up the page.  WTF?

Also, having a wife that’s a foodie and a culinary master, can we stop using volume measurements like cups and tablespoons and just get a friggin’ kitchen scale and do everything in weight?  Grams is so much easier than teaspoons, especially since different foods have different masses.

Beckman’s Lunch – 1,103 Calories

• 285 – 1/2 lb (227g) Elk Burger (raw weight)
• 221 – Wheat Bun (Damn!)
• 100 – Mayo
• 40 – Cheese Sauce
• 100 – Ketchup, onions, lettuce, tomato
• 100 – Side Salad
• 172 – Spicy Ranch Dressing (1.5 tbsp/32g)
• 85 – Garlic Bread (half of it)
• 0 – Iced Tea with Ice

So I avoided about 100 calories and added a bunch of good fat by choosing a 1/2 pound Elk burger over a 1/3 pound beef burger, but really that’s about it.  Normally I’d get potato wedges with jalapeño cheese sauce rather than the salad, and shockingly for the same calories the wedges would be LESS FATTENING than the salad with dressing.  WTF.

Lesson learned: get the friggin’ potato wedges.  Stupid misleading salad.

The 2010 weight loss contest between the michael, the herb, and the peter has officially commenced.  Contest rules can be found on the about page.